Instructions

By Mia Huerta

Listen very closely to everything I tell you. Go grab a bucket. Find a river with the moon in it. Scoop the moon up into the bucket and drink it. Gulp until you feel properly quenched, or maybe a bit tipsy. This is a whole different definition of moonshine. See what I did there? It wasn’t even on purpose, I just ran with it. Ask your father to wait for you, he’s going too fast. Hold that thought. Wait, wrong one, put it down. Hold THAT thought. Pet it like a dog. Now squeeze it until you think it might pop. Squeeze it! Squeeze it until you get effervescent goo all over your pretty little frock. Your wedding dress. It’s buzzing it’s buzzing it’s buzzing it’s buzzing it’s buzzing. Oh whoops, I think that did something weird, drop that for me, will you? Could you do me a favor and run your hand over the page, the one that has a fun texture because the ink made it rise up? Rise up, like that “Hamilton” motif. You know, that musical that won eleven Tonys? Pitch me a musical immediately. Tell me which Hatoful Boyfriend-dedicated Tumblr page is your favorite. You know, that post-apocalyptic dating simulator that takes place in the world’s best school for birds? Stop snapping your fingers in public immediately. Grab a sheet and pretend to be a ghost, then get in the shower with it still draped over you. Put rocks in your enemy’s backpack to make it all heavy. Fire your best employee. Fill a room with popcorn. Wonder aloud when you hit the peak of your life. If it’s still ahead of you, promptly catch it and deliver it to your own home, it must’ve escaped the mail truck. Propose with a Ring Pop. Specifically, that Special Edition Strawberry Lemonade flavor they canceled. Forgive a stranger for their crimes against humanity. Lick the salt rock. Do it. A modest lick. Do not, under any circumstances, run your dirty little tongue along the entire surface area of the rock. It’s buzzing it’s buzzing, chuck that rock out the window. Spend approximately six hours and forty-one minutes trying to mend the window. Tell your father you love him. If you don’t love him, go back to the beginning and repeat these instructions until you love him, then tell him you love him. Well done, you get a gold star sticker. Once that step has concluded, forget you ever read these instructions and never think about them ever again.