Update From Suburbia

Benjamin is the first one in his family to refer to Eminem as “old people’s music.”

To his sister Liz, her homework as “brutal.”

His father, Roy has never heard the words, “frantic pace of living” used

in connection with the neighborhood.

His mother, June obsesses over signing up for the best telephone plan.

Benjamin’s best friend, Joey once held his breath for nearly two minutes in an attempt

to get out of an accordion lesson.

Joey’s mother, Kate wonders why she’s never been asked to participate in her

church’s quarterly bake sales.

Joey’s father, Orlando no longer answers to the nickname, OJ.

Benjamin was depressed to learn that the members of Coldplay are all in their forties.

Liz is concerned that, at her age, she should have more emotional issues.

Roy finds that the most compelling TV shows these days are the infomercials.

June’s most recent internet search was for anti-aging fluids.

Joey hates it when his parents speak of him to others as “not a bad kid.”

Kate can’t bear to part with the lava lamp she’s had since she was fourteen.

Orlando begins planning his Super Bowl party in August.

The most depressing discovery in Benjamin’s life was that Beyonce is old enough

to be his mother.

Liz had reached a point in her young life where fifteen minutes of fame

would be a vast improvement on twelve years or more of schooling.

Roy is considered boring by the guys in the office.

Despite many years of grocery shopping, June still slips the toilet paper

surreptitiously into her carriage.

Joey won’t say it out aloud but he doesn’t believe that “Jonah and the whale” story.

In a fit of pique, still talked about all these years later, Kate tossed all of her

old family recipes into the fireplace.

Orlando thought that, her actions would have been more convincing,

had the fireplace been lit at the time.

Benjamin’s guidance counsellor, for the first time in her life, found herself agreeing

with a student that making it as a pop star was more likely than his getting through

four years of college.

Liz has never once been invited to a twister party.

Prematurely balding, Roy appreciates all that time he spent as a kid watching his father

perfect a comb-over.

Regarding her weekly get-together with old friends, it’s been at least a decade since June

dominated the conversation with the latest trials and tribulations of her two little ones.

Joey’s attempt, on eBay, to sell his collection of ketchup packets from various fast food

establishments attracted not a single bidder.

Kate has learned to grit her teeth and bear it when the answer to “what would you like for supper

tonight?” is always “takeout.”

Orlando’s calls his ten dollar win on a scratch ticket, a triumph of the human spirit

Benjamin figures his acne needs to clear up before he can start thinking “boy band.”

by John Grey